Are they actively working a program of recovery (e.g., participating in self-help support meetings, counseling or an aftercare program)?
Someone with less than a year sober should stay focused on their recovery program, not dating.
Left unaddressed, relapse can set in motion a roller coaster of chaotic break-ups and reunification that in the long run only exacerbates the problem.
The threat of relapse need not deter you from dating someone firmly grounded in their recovery. By educating yourself about disease of addiction, you’ll know what to expect and when to ask for help.
But this is the norm for widowers –for one of two reasons: either the marriage itself wasn’t that healthy and he was immediately ready to move on, OR, like men of a certain age, he put everything had into his marriage and nothing into any other relationships. As such, you are presumably the first woman he’s been with for many years.
So when a woman survives her husband, she’s got a circle of friends from the neighborhood, from work, from her card game, from her book club, from her salsa classes. Regardless, he dictates the terms of the relationship based on HIS needs and schedule. To his credit, he’s taking things slow, to avoid diving into another serious relationship that he may end up regretting.
I made that need known last weekend in a calm, rational way.
In your book, you said that if a guy isn’t seeing you more than once a week by the 3 months point, he probably isn’t interested in a serious relationship.
For example, you’ll likely need to avoid drinking or using drugs around your partner.You know what a widower’s left with when his wife dies? A man’s inability to survive without a woman is a big explanation why a widower is often a very hot ticket on the open market – he’s LOOKING to be married again. But, at a certain point, a man has to step up and give you a reasonable amount of attention and comfort.Factor in the dearth of older men – there are literally 3 times more single women over the age of 65 – and, well, a decent looking widower doesn’t stay available for very long. And if he fails, he risks losing the woman he cares about.If you care about someone in active addiction, help them into treatment and hold off on turning a friendship into more until they’re grounded in their recovery.
If they are in recovery, how long have they stayed sober?
The guy’s been married for 30 years, his wife dies in June and he started dating online 2 months later?